Week of February 8, 1999 (Originally aired November 23, 1998)The first half of our show this week is a roundtable discussion on love and romance. Dr. Helen Fisher is an anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of the book The Anatomy of Love. Lisa Skrilloff is the author of a new book, Men Are From Cyberspace: A Single Woman's Guide to Flirting, Dating, and Finding Love On-Line, and an experienced Internet dater. Mythili Richards has been (happy) in an arranged marriage for 29 years.
Dr. Fisher first makes a distinction between lust, romantic love, and attachment. All three are different feelings which are linked to different chemicals in the brain. Lust is controlled by testosterone for both men and women, while the chemicals involved in romantic love or infatuation are dopamine and norepinephrine. Attachment, or the calm, peaceful bond many experience in long-term relationships, is thought to be linked to oxytocin.
Mrs. Richards discusses her personal experience with an arranged marriage, which in India, where she grew up, was usually arranged by parents or a marriage broker. In a way, this is a marriage between families as much as between individuals. But this does not mean it is not romantic. On the contrary -- when she met her husband, she experienced feelings of elation, infatuation, and, yes, lust. She thinks there is an incentive for couples to stay together and achieve attachment because of the social stigma against divorce. While she admits that not all arranged marriages work as well as hers has, Mrs. Richards thinks that there are advantages in terms of stability. She trusted her parents to make the right choice for her, one that was probably better her own would have been at a young age.
Ms. Skrilloff talks about finding love on-line. She too thinks there are some advantages over regular dating or meeting in bars. It can be much easier to talk about one's goals and values in an on-line setting. On many popular on-line singles sites, people can scan 'profiles' of other users to see what they are looking for -- marriage, children or no children, maybe just an on-line dalliance. Then they can pick and choose accordingly.
Dr. Fisher comments that both arranged marriages and Internet romance seem designed to conserve mating energy. In many mammals, of course, there is a mating season. For humans, mating is highly time- and energy-consuming. She talks about how culture comes into play when we look at who or what people are attracted to, and suggests that 'love maps', developed in the mind during childhood, influence what we unconsciously find attractive as well as what we think we are looking for.
There is a discussion of the safety issues involved with on-line dating and Ms. Skrilloff gives some practical tips. One caller, Jennifer from California, says she is uncomfortable with her workplace romance but would not consider dating on the Net. Skrilloff thinks that the social stigma of using the Net for sex and romance will recede as it becomes less of a new phenomenon, much as personal ads in papers are considered more acceptable today than when they were first introduced.
Another caller, Yary, also from California, asks about the role of pheromones in romance. Are they being secreted all the time or do they only swing into action when someone attractive is nearby? Dr. Fisher replies that pheromones were first discovered in insects and that their role in human attraction is still not fully understood. She also points out that when we meet someone our cerebral cortex is always involved in figuring out whether or not to pursue a relationship. But what's remarkable is how often we do simply go with our emotions when it comes to romance.
Dr. Fisher can be reached through the Department of Anthropology, Rutgers University, 131 George Street, New Brunswick, NJ, 08901. You can also find out more information about and order her book The Anatomy of Love and Lisa Skrilloff's book Men Are From Cyberspace.
Next, we hear original Saturday Night live writer Anne Beatts' take on difficulties in communication between men and women.
In the second half of the show, Dr. Goodwin interviews cartoonist Lynn Johnston, the woman behind the popular comic strip For Better or For Worse. The title, of course, is a reference to the marriage vow, and Ms. Johnston discusses how her characters' relationships reflect her own family life and how important friendship and and a soulmate are to a good marriage. She also tells Dr. Goodwin the saga of the life-size statues of For Better or For Worse characters in her hometown of North Bay, Ontario.
Finally, John Hockenberry shares his thoughts on romance. Is it like jumping out of a plane without a parachute? Or a way of finding out where our true values lie and ensuring our survival? He takes a roller-coaster ride down the memory lane of his own romantic history.
